In Cheater, Cheater we talked briefly about the “why’s” of cheating and how it impacts relationships. Since then I’ve discovered that, even though men are more likely to be the cheater than their female counterparts, there is a growing population of men seeking advice related to their cheating wives. So let’s take a look at cheating women, starting, once again, at the beginning.
First Things First
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, no partner, male or female, is immune to cheating – it doesn’t matter what your personal beliefs are on the subject. Being human means we have faults. Even science recognizes that injecting a human into a research project leads to “human error” and uncontrolled variables – the statistics will never be 100% accurate. Those errors and faults are not intentional, they are simply a fact of being human.
I’ve also mentioned before that humans are in a unique position among the animal kingdom, we have the capacity to make reasoned choices. Some people are better at this than others, but none-the-less we all have the ability to choose. We choose to be in relationships and we choose to cheat. But one thing humans cannot control in our choice-making ability is – male or female, we cannot deny the biological knockings we experience. This is not an excuse for a cheater, but it is something to add to your information arsenal when you’re trying to make an informed decision about your situation.
The Female Cheater
What does a woman look for in a man? Well, for starters, they want a handsome, smart, successful, motivated, strong, funny, athletic, sensitive, artistic man who will love her with immense passion, desire her always, give her a family, provide for the family and help take care of the family with her. Not too much to ask, right? Well, the truth is, all of the physical characteristics listed above, show the woman that the man is a strong genetic suitor. All of the love and family characteristics show that the man is willing to share his resources with her and her offspring, ensuring physical security and helps secure success for future generations.
So, if she has found a man whom she is attracted to with most of the attributes she was seeking, along with his willingness to help provide for and raise her children, why does she stray? Science explains this as a way for a woman to ensure economic well-being for herself and future offspring. Then, while ovulating, she seeks out physically (thus genetically) stronger men (those with the attributes her domestic mate is lacking) to father her children. The proverbial “having her cake and eating it too.” One man can provide the economic security and lifestyle while the other can provide strong genes that will carry on. It’s really not as complicated as it all seems.
The Male Emotion
Let’s weigh the following two scenarios –
- Your wife/girlfriend is closely involved with another man, they enjoy each other’s company, laugh and you could see that they may be falling in love. BUT – you’re pretty certain that there is no chance they’ll have sex. Are you threatened?
- Your wife/girlfriend goes on a girl’s weekend to Vegas. One night, she has a couple too many and ends up having a one-night stand with another man. There is no emotional attachment, no chance of her ever seeing him again, but the hard fact is that she had sex with him. Are you threatened?
The perception of cheating for men is just the opposite of that of a woman. For most men, the risks associated with their woman cheating on them is relegated to physical sex. For women it’s the threat of their mate’s emotional exchange with another (subject of another post altogether.) But this is where men find themselves in a unique position. Are you:
- Guy #1: who is jealous that your woman stepped out on you – meanwhile you’ve been stepping out on her?
Or are you:
- Guy #2: who has been a dutiful husband, loyal and without even the thought of cheating crossing your mind?
If you’re guy number one, you probably find the biological excuse of men “needing to spread their seed” a valid defense. Well, I’ve got news for you, what’s biologically good for the goose is biologically good for the gander. You don’t control her while you get to do whatever you “need” to do. There’s more going on in your relationship than infidelity. There’s lack of respect, which should make you rethink your relationship as a whole. There’s no sense in torturing one another – it’s destructive and a waste of time.
If you’re guy number two, you’re probably feeling as though you don’t measure up in her eyes and she had to go elsewhere to satisfy her needs. And now you’re faced with a decision.
What Do You Do When She Cheats
Biology and science are not excuses for either sex, they simply offer some perspective. The bottom line is you’re in a relationship with someone who cheated on you. What do you do now? The answer to that question is very personal and not something anyone can answer for you. But what I can do is offer you some questions to ponder as you’re making your decision:
- Do you want this relationship to go on? If so, ask yourself if you’re you going to be able to put this behind you or will you continually hold this against her in every disagreement, etc?
- Can you trust her again?
- What individual and relationship changes do you both need to make and are you both willing to make them?
- How do you think you both can be better as individuals and as a couple?
Recipes 4 Relationships 
Listen, im a good husband I love my wife and she thinks another guys better than me,no i dont want to ruin my kids lifes but i hate her even more now. plain and simple im going to have to divorce or life is going to be terrible for my whole family once I was commited but now if i had the chance i would take it to have a one night stand with someone else she says she loves me now but to me she loves me now if she loved me then so shes for lack of a better word fucked im glad shes gotten fat and weighed down by kids cause if going crazy is bucking up and being a man I DONT WANT IT, by the way if you want to make a comment i take care of my family well and she has no idea im like this so if you have any real advice(advise that can help)help me. im a good guy but I cant hold this in anylonger. or im gonna go nuts im not gonna hate a woman for 20 years and divorce her damn it, and im not in it for the pussy either ladies I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN. thanks for hearing me out
First, I’d like to apologize for taking a few days to get back to you.
I can see that you’re pissed off and I’m sorry if this post made a bad situation worse. I was trying to give some perspective and explanation to the biology of cheating. By no means was I trying to make you hate your wife “even more.” That said, I hope that you’ll take some time to set aside your hurt, anger and frustration and consider my following responses with an open mind.
First, your wife does not necessarily think that another man is better than you. If you look at your situation from a “need” perspective, she was missing something. You may be a “good husband” but no one person (man or woman) has everything their partner wants and needs – it’s usually that they have the majority of things the other wants and needs. So don’t be so hard on yourself – he’s not better than you, only different.
Of course you don’t want your life to change, for your kids or yourself. But “hating” your wife can lead to bitterness and a lot more hurt for your children in the long run. So, please take a moment to consider where your “hate” is coming from. You most likely don’t “hate” your wife, she’s the mother of your children and the woman that you chose to marry. You’ve been hurt by her, she betrayed your trust and that is damaging no matter how strong of a person you are. Not to mention, you will likely carry this emotion with you into future relationships, which will sabotage your future chances at happiness. It will also make you question your decision making abilities when it comes to future relationships. Bottom line, it’s a waste of time to “hate” her, you can be angry with her, but eventually, for all of your sakes you’re going to have to let that emotion go. Learn from it and start rebuilding your lives, whether it is together or apart.
As for you wanting to take the opportunity for a one night stand, well, that’s your choice. But I will say that you will probably feel awful doing it and even worse after it. Don’t be spiteful. If you want to leave, then leave. There’s absolutely no sense in dragging out all of your miseries.
I have to admit, I take exception to your comment about her “getting fat and weighed down by kids.” First of all, those are your kids that she is “weighed down” by, so you can at least give her the courtesy of not bashing her. Obviously, you’re hurt is speaking here, and you need to take that into consideration. However, this does lead me to another point. So you say “she’s gotten fat and weighed down by kids,” well, perhaps the other man made her feel attractive. Sure, you might do your best to say she’s beautiful, but over time women can feel that their partner’s sincerity wanes a bit. Maybe he made her feel attractive and that’s what she was needing.
No one said “bucking up and being a man” means to go crazy. It means something different to everyone. Maybe in your life, which is unique to only you, bucking up means getting a divorce and moving on. For others, bucking up means suckin’ up the shitty things in life and living with them. Neither are right or wrong, simply a personal perspective and choice.
If she doesn’t know that you’re “like this,” maybe it’s time you told her. If she loves you, as she says she does, she’ll listen. The healing has to start somewhere – BUT – it doesn’t start with name calling and negative comments. You have to explain your feelings in a way that will make her want to listen and not get defensive. Once she starts defending herself you’ve lost the entire point of the conversation and most likely escalated things to an argument. So, if you feel that this is the way you want to go and you want to tell her how you feel and what you’re thinking, take things in small doses, maybe set the timer and talk for 10 minutes to start. Plus, be willing to listen. Give her a chance to talk and let her tell you what she’s thinking and feeling. As time goes on, she might even be willing to tell you why she strayed. But you have to be open to this option. In my opinion, right now, it sounds as though your too angry to talk to her in a reasonable manner – a counselor could help facilitate the conversation.
Bottom line, if you’re going to “hate” her for the next 20 years, why bother wasting your time and hers? Partners in a marriage aren’t property, they are a team. If you are only in it to make the other suffer you simply do not have that right. No matter what the situation may be, you both have the right to be happy. And if you feel that your partner stole your happiness, well, your partner isn’t in charge of your happiness, you are. What can you do to make yourself happy? And the same goes for her.
I can’t tell you what to do, I don’t know what’s right for you as an individual. What I can say to you is that you have to work through your anger and move past it. If you “want to be happy again” you have to let go of your anger…if you don’t, happiness will always be around another corner and with another person. Don’t let yourself become bitter, it hurts now, yes, but this too shall pass.
My final thought to you is an observation. You said a couple of times that you’re “a good husband.” I don’t doubt that you are, but the fact that you said it twice makes me wonder who you’re trying to convince – the readers or yourself? Take some time, get to know yourself – what you want and what you need. She’s only human, as are you. No one is perfect.