Will You Ever Find Love Again?

When you’re in the midst of a break-up, or in the middle of a bad relationship, you may question whether or not you will ever find someone who can replace all of the good aspects of your current partner. No matter how many times you verbalize, “this is for the best,” your feelings are telling you something very different. You feel vacant, hallow, you think that you will never find someone that you can trust, laugh with or plan a future with…you think that life as you know it is over.

Take a deep breath and read my next words carefully. Life as you know it is over, and now you’re moving on to bigger and better. Don’t let the emotions of your break-up and the fear of an uncertain future get in the way of your vision of the perfect relationship. It might feel as though you don’t have it in you to love another with the same passion and intensity that you loved a previous partner, but take a moment to think of all the things that we are capable of loving, even deeply loving, at the same time. We love our children and our family. Plus, at the same time, we love our pets, certain foods, songs and movies; the list goes on and on. You see you have a capacity for love that is greater than you realize. So, when it looks like life will never be the same without them, just remember that love takes time, but if you let yourself you can and will find love again.

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I Don’t Want to be Alone

I know it has been a little while since I’ve tended to this blog and I do apologize. I won’t bore you with the details, but I’m back and here for you! Now, let’s get back to it…

Every relationship has their unique dynamics and ups and downs. It is easy to get into a rut, or even become complacent in your relationship, especially as time goes on. That’s when you have to figure out new ways to spruce things up a bit, get things back on track. We’ve got all kinds of blogs on this site and even more ideas to help you in R4R™’s book. But there’s a difference between a rut or complacency and being in a relationship simply because you don’t want to be alone. There are too many uncontrollable aspects in life to consciously make decisions that appear “easier” but in the end simply aren’t fair to yourself.

When you are single, you have the opportunity to work on yourself, become a better person. When you are in a relationship, it is no longer just about you. Sure you have to tend to your own needs, but your needs aren’t the only ones you have to consider. You are part of a team, and when that team breaks down and one (or both) of the members has neglected the other, you have a choice: you can stay and work on your relationship or leave. If you stay and work on your relationship, you have to make certain that your partner wants to work with you. If there is no agreement in the goals of your relationship, there is no way you will ever be successful as a couple. The feelings of neglect will inevitably cause even more problems in your relationship, guaranteed to end in a break-up. So instead, why not be willing to leave an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship to spend a little time with yourself? Get to know yourself again. It might feel awkward at first, but once you get used to it, you’ll be glad to for the opportunity you had to grow as an individual, making your next relationship all the more successful.

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“But He Came On To Me” – Whose to Blame?

Cheating in a relationship is one thing, but what happens when your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. gets inappropriate with your friend or maybe even a random “someone” at the bar? Whose to blame?

The Answer is Simple

If you’re dating someone with a perpetual wandering eye or simply a known flirt, it is easy to just get used to their behavior and make excuses for their antics, “they were drunk,” “they’ve always been a flirt,” etc. Let’s be honest, you probably hate their antics but choose to make excuses for them or simply look to place the blame on the object of their desire, rather than where the blame actually exists. But why? Maybe you’re insecure, maybe you can’t bear the thought of living life without them or maybe you simply can’t stomach the thought of losing your standard of living. Whatever the reason, you have to start respecting yourself and acknowledging that their behavior reflects poorly on you (and your family, if you have one together) and the root of the blame lies with one person, and one person only, your partner.

I know that it can be hard to stomach that pill, but it is important that you remain objective. As much as you’d like to point the finger at the man or woman who is receiving your partner’s advances, you can’t. The recipient of your partner’s advances or flirtations has no control over your partner’s actions, and furthermore, neither do you. Your partner’s behavior shows a lack of respect for you and the person they’ve approached. (If the recipient accepts their advances, then you have two to blame, but even then the initial responsibility lays squarely with your partner.)

So when you’re ready to point the finger at the hussy at the end of the bar, remember, it doesn’t always take “two to tango.” Sometimes it isn’t a “tango” at all, it’s more like a “line dance” that can be performed solo or with up to as many people that are in the bar.

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When Your Friends Turn Their Backs

My parents always told me when I was little, “Friends that treat you like that were never your friends at all.” It was so hard to understand that with so few life lessons under my belt, but now I get it. Everybody has to do what is best for them and sometimes that means turning their backs on the ones who were (thought to be) closest to them, for whatever reason. As much as it sucks, it’s a fact of life. As we get older, it seems to get harder to make new friends, so when you do you feel so lucky and fortunate. But then something or someone comes along and gives them a choice that could mean sacrificing your friendship for the alternative, maybe another friend, a lover or even a job. Through my own personal situation, I’ve found that as much as it feels awful that you no longer have your friendship, I can’t bring myself to be angry or upset with them. I find myself understanding their unique situation and forgiving them for it. That said, my trust in them is out the window and the likelihood of me ever being friends with them is about that of a snowball’s chance in hell, but at least I hold no ill will. I’ve finally learned that “friends who turn their backs on you were never truly your friends.”

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Does Marriage Change Everything?

We’ve all heard the reasons people give for not wanting to get married. Maybe they quote statistics, maybe they simply don’t want to “settle down.” But one reason I hear from so many is that their partner doesn’t want to get married because “marriage changes everything.” So, can a little piece of paper (with big legal implications) make such a big difference in a relationship? The short answer to that is, “Yes,” and for one very simple reason – “expectations.”

But What About Love?

Most people go into a marriage with the best of intentions and the highest hopes. They love one another and truly believe that will never change. But it does, it’s not good or bad, it just changes. But your evolving love isn’t what changes your relationship after marriage. Consider the following scenario:

In the beginning, long before marriage, you date, live separately and accept one another’s schedules and chores. When you come together you want to make the most of every moment, learning about each other only to go your separate ways until the next time. Then you start thinking of marriage, a wedding, a family and more. She does this and he does that, we meet in the middle, have dinner, watch TV in bed, snuggle and start all over the next day. Perfect.

The hiccup in the above scenario is that everyone has their own unique idea of what a marriage should be. Sure, you probably agree on the big details like whether or not you want kids or where you’ll live, but what about the little details, like who is supposed to take out the trash and exactly how full should the trash be when it’s ready to go out? Or is the appropriate place for the laundry in or on top of the laundry basket and who is supposed to take it downstairs when it reaches its maximum capacity…and who determines the appropriate “maximum capacity?” Tiny details that wouldn’t make a bit of difference when you’re dating, but all of a sudden become monumental when you’re married. This is how expectations are born and inevitably there is going to be disagreement among the minutia, leaving room for arguments that would’ve never occurred when you were dating, thus, marriage has changed everything.

Realistic Expectations

Don’t get me wrong, expectations aren’t all bad. Expecting fidelity and honesty isn’t a drawback in a marriage, but expecting your husband or wife to be able to read your mind, no matter how well you think they know you, might be a bit of a stretch. If you don’t want your marriage to change your relationship you have to take a good look at your expectations and ask yourself:

• Are they realistic?
• Are they a bit demanding?
• Would you want to be held to the same expectations?

You can’t hold someone to an expectation you wouldn’t want to be held to, so look your expectations over with a very critical eye. Be a bit tough on yourself and see if you can reach a compromise on your more demanding ones. Once you diminish the unrealistic expectations you can move forward without letting your marriage change your core relationship.

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4 Simple Tips to Stop/Prevent Your Partner From Cheating

Truth be told, if you’re dating or married to someone who is notorious for being “a player” or has a long history of cheating chances are you aren’t going to be able to stop them. As much as my next statement is going to sound crummy, you do have to accept that you knew how they were before you started dating them and you probably should have know that you couldn’t change them or “fix them.” Sure, maybe in the beginning they dedicated themselves to only you, but in the mind of “a player,” that can last only so long. Eventually their ways come creeping back as the excitement of your relationship wears off and the enticement of a new relationship sets in. You are not to blame for their actions, but you are responsible for taking a chance with a known cheater. But take a look at the bright side, at least you were willing to take a chance, and that’s what living life is all about.

On the other hand, the “non-cheater” types do cheat for a variety of reasons. Maybe their current relationship has been strained, maybe their partner has withheld sex for quite some time and eventually they succumbed to temptation, the list of maybe’s goes on. Now you are faced with a decision, do you want to break-up the relationship or do you want to sort things out and move past this, rather large, bump in the road? Keep in mind that some people avoid a break-up for all the wrong reasons – like having too many material items vested in the relationship, too many shared bills, etc. Some people avoid a break-up because they have kids, which is commendable, but you truly have to ask yourself if the strain of your relationship is going to hurt the kids more than help them. So before you start thinking about the ways to make your partner stop cheating, or prevent them from cheating, you have to decide whether or not you really want this relationship. Take some time to think about it and then return to the next section if you decide you really want to give this relationship a go.

So, you’ve decided you want to patch things up with your partner who cheated, or maybe you’re just looking for ways to keep them from cheating, that’s great! But before you go any further you have to accept that all of these tips are only things YOU can do and you have to come to an agreement with yourself. Ask yourself how far you’re willing to go for this relationship and are you willing to do what it takes to improve yourself in order to help heal the relationship? After all, you can only fix yourself in an effort to help them. One last thing before we get started, an important piece that you have to accept is, if they’ve already cheated, you have to deal with it and let it go. You cannot dwell on the fact that they cheated when you’re trying to fix things, otherwise you’re going to sabotage your reconciliation before it can even begin. OK, let’s get started with 4 simple tips to stop or prevent your partner from cheating:

1.  Take a good look at yourself then and now. Are you the same person you were when you were first together or have you changed? Maybe you’re more intense and less happy. Whatever the reasons, you have to try and reconnect with yourself, find those little things that you may have lost through the years, the little things that made you so special to him or her, and resurrect them.
2. How’s sex been lately? Are you as sexual as you once were, or has intimacy dwindled? Remember, no excuses, the two of you have very specific needs and if one of your needs aren’t being met, chances are someone will stray. So, are you willing to jazz things up in the bedroom or maybe compromise on your partner’s sexual requests?
3. Are you picking up on their subtle hints? When your partner talks do you really listen? Are they expressing emotions of frustration or aggravation about work or in general? Maybe they’re reaching out to you for physical contact through hugs and kisses or just a shoulder to lean on. Pay attention, they’re probably telling you more about their needs than you realize. If you’re simply not listening or constantly distracted, chances are they will find someone who will listen and that’s where things can get dicey.
4. If you suspect that your partner may be on the verge of straying, or maybe they already have, you have to talk to them. Communicate. Ask them honestly what they are missing in your relationship and ask them if they honestly believe that the two of you can get whatever it is back. In return, be honest with them and be realistic with yourself. Now is the time to lay all your cards on the table, not to nurture romantic ideals.

Take the time to understand your personal abilities and limitations when it comes to the issue of cheating and lose the cliché, “If my partner cheats, I’ll kick their ass” mentality, it’s unrealistic and childish. That type of attitude doesn’t solve anything and removes any responsibility from the one person you do have control over, yourself.

Need more relationship tips and advice? Recipes for Relationships™ – A Couple’s Workbook is your resource.

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Arguing and Intimacy

Is it possible for a couple who fights or bickers on a regular basis to be intimate? I mean really intimate? I don’t know about you, but if I was at odds with someone once a day or even a couple of times a week, I would find it extremely difficult to spend a lot of time with them, let alone be intimate with them.

Young Love and Seasoned Love

When you’re first together, you may fight a bit or you might even have a huge argument, then when you come back together, make-up sex is fabulous and you reaffirm your love for one another. But when you’ve been together a couple of years, you know after the “honeymoon phase” of your relationship has worn off, it can take a little while to let the aftermath of the argument blow over, making intimacy a little more difficult to achieve. Then if you add another bicker session a day or so later, intimacy can prove even more illusive.

Intimacy and Dominance

This whole issue of arguing and intimacy got me thinking about make-up sex and dominance. Usually when people make-up after a fight they can work through and regain their intimate moments. But what about when make-up sex turns into a battle of wills, essentially domination? Make-up sex has now turned into angry sex, which can be fun when you’re young and first dating, but again, if you’ve been together any amount of time, is it healthy to want to take control and essentially dominate your partner in the bedroom in an effort to reaffirm yourself as the victor or perhaps gain some unspoken leverage from the previous argument?

How to Regain Intimacy After an Argument

First, I have to say, if you find that you and your partner are bickering and arguing on a regular basis, you have bigger issues that you must deal with before you can inject intimacy back into your relationship. You have to figure out why the two of you are battling and come to a middle ground. Each of you has to be willing to bend a bit, perhaps you can try and see things from the other’s perspective, even if you don’t wholeheartedly agree with them. You have to be willing to treat each other as individuals and as equals. Even though you feel you’re right, you have to understand, so do they. So, now what? You both have to acknowledge the stalemate and start figuring out a way to move past this. If you can’t do that, then you might need to reconsider your relationship as a whole.

If you’ve had an argument or disagreement, how do you help yourself start feeling intimate feelings about your partner again? No easy task when, even though you’ve solved the problem, you probably see them as a selfish, shortsighted *insert expletive here*. How about cooking dinner together? Or maybe going to a favorite restaurant. I’m a firm believer that “breaking bread” together will level the playing field and get you talking about something different, something enjoyable and you’ll get to share the experiences and flavors – things that make you happy. If watching your favorite show together while you sit on the couch and hold hands sounds better, then do that. Whatever you decide to do, give yourselves a little time to accept one another again. I’ve said this a million times, the two of you are unique individuals with unique perspectives. When you come together in a relationship, the two of you must respect one another’s individuality and not try to change them, but bring the best of both of your worlds together. That’s the real key to intimacy, with or without an argument.

For more tips and tricks for your relationship, check out Recipes for Relationships™ – A Couple’s Workbook.

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Can Men and Women Be “Just Friends?”

The other day I baked some cookies and my husband took a stack of them to work. He offered them to his coworkers and one of them happened to be a, rather shy, married female. Of course, one of the guys joked to her, “You know you have to give him something now,” putting my husband in an awkward position and her reserved self, in an even more awkward one. His experience led to us talking about all the times he and the other men at his work have felt the need to keep their conversations with the ladies in their office limited to professional topics only and as brief as possible. Some of the men even comment that they keep their conversations brief so they don’t give anyone reason to think they want something more from the ladies or perhaps already have something going on. So why is it members of the opposite sex can’t have a conversation without there having to be something more, either wanted or already, going on? Why can’t men and women be “just friends?”

I understand that often times sexual tension can build if there is attraction between two people, but what about two trustworthy people who have come across something engaging that they would like to talk about? It stands to reason that if you strip away the sexual expectations and preconceived notions about men and women, what you have left are two people who may have a lot in common and who might make great friends. And if they’re already married, perhaps they can even bring together their families.

I can’t help but think about how many great conversations and experiences are missed out on simply because people think that men and women can’t possibly be friends without sex being involved. So next time you see a man and woman talking, don’t immediately assume that there are ulterior motives lurking about. Who knows, you might find yourself in this very situation sooner than you think.

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Drunk Texting Rules – Since You’re Going to Do It Anyway

We’ve all said that we’d never do it but once we’re alone, after the happy hour with friends ends, we start thinking. Maybe we think about our exes, our current partners or maybe our hopeful lovers. It seems that the built in filter in our brains is saturated with tannins or deeply soaked in beer, whatever the reason, the filter isn’t functioning correctly leaving us to make bad texting decisions. We can try and fight it, but inevitably we’re going to lose – you know it and I know it. So, here are a few drunk texting rules that might help…

1. If you really don’t want to drunk text, before you commence drinking, turn off your phone and put it in the most inconvenient place to get to in your house. Logic here is that you won’t want to dig it out sober, let alone drunk.
2. Tell yourself over and over, “No matter how cute, logical or funny I think I am right now, I’m not.”
3. Plan ahead. Come up with a great cover story for the next morning. A good standby is claiming you meant to choose the contact right before or after them, but since you had been drinking you accidentally tapped their name instead.

Do you have a drunk texting rule you’d like to share with us? Reply to this post or head over to our Share Your Recipe page and send it to us!

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Real Advice for Singles

Among all the “how to read someone, how to talk to someone, what tone you should use, how to land a date, and how to seduce,” dating advice for singles all has a common theme. Basically, “How to make yourself appealing, while screening the individual standing before you, for more than just a friendship and potentially, as dating or marrying material.” With that, I asked myself two questions:

1. How much of your true self do you lose when trying to manipulate a situation?                        and…
2. What ever happened to being yourself, getting to know someone and then making the decision on whether or not to take things any further?

Being Single with Dignity

The answer lies in one word – dignity. When you’re single, there’s a difference between wanting to find someone to spend time with, laugh with and go to dinner with and wanting to find someone…immediately…to fill your relationship void. Since when did being single start to mean being desperate? Women, perhaps, feel this more so than men…especially as they creep up in age. Social and family pressures lead to women creating individual pressures that only amplify the ticking sound of their proverbial biological clock. Ladies, amidst those timelines and calendars you’ve drawn out, you have to realize that you do have some control over your ticking clock and you certainly aren’t on anyone else’s time more than you’re on your own.

Guys, same goes for you. Perhaps you don’t hear a clock ticking, but if you find yourself searching for someone special to spend time with and perhaps settle down with, you are losing site of the most important aspects of dating…meeting new people and exploring how your personalities fit together.

Reclaiming Your Dignity

Men and women alike, please take the pressure off of yourself, take your time and enjoy the experience of dating. Of course you’ll still be looking for people that you have things in common with, but stop trying to interview each new person you meet based on your very specific, predetermined set of relationship criteria. Reclaim your dignity by getting to know what it means to “be yourself” again and respect other people’s dignity by not measuring them up against the mold you have cast for your ideal candidate. Let yourself have some fun and enjoy the ride.

If You Still Feel Like You’re Running Out of Time

So, you still feel like it’s taking forever to meet Mr. or Ms. Right. Well, keep in mind that rushing the dating experience can land you in an unhappy relationship or marriage…and being in one of those will feel like an eternity.

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