Cheating Talk and Tales

I’m excited to announce that on June 28, 2011 at 7pm MDT R4R™ and Single Starts with Sin™ will be recording our first podcast and it’s all about cheating. We’ll be talking about 8 Tips to Becoming an Effective Cheater as well as taking YOUR calls! You can call in and ask questions, share your cheating experiences, or simply share your opinions on the subject. You can even call in and “confess” your cheating antics…opinions will be offered if we’re asked, otherwise, no judgement will be passed by us!

So, mark your calendars, write down the “Call-In” information and tell your friends. After a brief commentary we’ll be opening the Q&A section up to you and your stories! We’ll get the podcast up on our websites shortly after we’re done.

Call-In: 760-569-7676

Participant Code: 618040

More details to come, so stay tuned!

In the meantime, sign up for our newsletter to stay up to date with R4R™’s relationship news, as well as all of Planet Beanbag™’s upcoming events!

The Sexting Cheater

In the wake of all this “sexting” chatter, I wanted to talk a little bit about the “sexting” cheater. We’ve heard them called narcissistic and egomaniacs, but are they?  Some probably are, others probably see sexting as a harmless way to have some fun and inject a little excitement into their fizzling relationships. So, if you caught your partner in a sexting scandal, would you consider it grounds for break-up or divorce?

A Little Clarification

Even though I said above that sexting may be considered harmless by some, I’m not saying that that is indeed true for all. Usually, the ones that consider sexting harmless are the ones guilty of sexting. Whenever you have an intimate exchange with someone other than your significant other, you are walking the thin line of cheating. It could be that your exchange is harmless, but then again, an intimate exchange is almost never harmless. Sexting while in a relationship is betrayal. It is heartbreaking to think that your partner is entertaining an intimate exchange, no matter how “harmless” the exchange is deemed to be, with someone else.

Cheating and Adultery

Cheating = dishonesty; adultery = a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse. A sexual relationship outside of your partner or spouse is dishonest, therefore, adultery is cheating, but cheating doesn’t always mean adultery. (It’s not too confusing after you read it a couple of times.) Now, this is where you have to decide on a few things. Would you consider sexting cheating? If so, when someone has “cheated” through sexting are you more willing to forgive and forget than you would if they had actually consummated that relationship? Or is any form of cheating just as bad as adultery?

Questions, questions

It seems that we’ve given you more questions than answers, but that is just the point. Everyone is unique and everyone has their own opinions on the topic of cheating and adultery. We cannot give you definite answers, all we can do is point out the truths and facts and raise the right questions. It is up to you to understand how you feel about the subjects we present and stick to your principles when/if you are ever in that situation.

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8 Tips to Becoming an Effective Cheater

I certainly don’t agree with cheating, I feel it’s underhanded and shady. But after all this cheating talk, I started thinking, where there’s a will there’s a way. If someone in a relationship is attracted to another, fantasizes about that person, wonders what it would be like to kiss that person or potentially do more with that person, why fight it? The potential cheater has occupied so much of their time thinking about that person, building up the experience, essentially committing themselves to seizing the moment if it presents itself, bottom line – they are going to do it anyway. So why not give them some tips on how they can cheat effectively? I mean really meet their true cheater potential. So potential cheaters, here are 8 tips I’ve developed especially for you.

Tip 1

Lose your conscience. Undoubtedly you’re going to feel guilty. It doesn’t matter how many times you do it…even if it’s just a kiss…if you’re cheating and you have a conscience the rush you feel will be tainted with guilt and then what’s the point? Guilt is such an albatross, and with guilt you will not be able to continue the affair. So ditch your conscience. NOTE: It is possible that your desire for another will overwhelm your conscience, but you still have to live with the guilt that comes along with that. No conscience, no guilt.

Tip 2

Let go of any consideration regarding the feelings of your partner. Never mind the heartache or utter devastation they will feel when (not if) they find out. You will not be able to commit to cheating if you have any regard for their feelings whatsoever.

Tip 3

Let go of any regard for any STD’s you may bring back to your partner, even if you use protection, we all know there’s that .1% possibility of failure, and since you’re cheating the likelihood of achieving that .1% is drastically increased. Don’t give a second thought to those STD’s that are momentarily unseen, like herpes, but will wreak havoc on you for the rest of your life. Also, let go of regard for unexpected pregnancy between you and your co-cheater. Even if you/they have trouble conceiving, your chance of unexpected conception is practically imminent.

Tip 4

Completely forget about the life you have built with your partner. Forget about all the things you’ve been through that helped build the life you have, let go of all the trials and tribulations you and partner have worked through, all the laughter, all the tears, everything you have shared…forget ’em, they’re gone. Once you cheat, your life as you know it is going to come crashing down anyway, maybe not right away, but eventually. Best just to be rid of any history you have with your partner.

Tip 5

Ignore the emotions of your kids, at least for now. Don’t even think about how you’re going to hurt them and how their lives will be turned upside down and inside out. Try not to think about how it’s going to feel when your little girl or boy asks, “Why don’t you and Mommy (or Daddy) live together anymore?” You can always face them when they are older and have plenty of resentment towards you. If you do give that some thought, you might change your mind entirely, and we wouldn’t want that.

Tip 6

Be selfish. After all, you haven’t felt like this in you can’t remember how long – the anticipation, the yearning, the lust. There’s something special here and you owe it to yourself to explore it. Disregard that little voice that is telling you to consider your partner, your family – essentially YOUR LIFE. You have a right to be selfish, you do everything for everyone else…even though you made the decision to be in a monogamous relationship and made a commitment to your family…you want to explore the excitement and gratification of lust. Forget that selfishness will lead to you having a physically gratifying affair, only to eventually be left all alone wanting what you used to share both physically AND emotionally with your former partner.

Tip 7

Add time to your daily routine to be paranoid. Be suspicious of your partner, after all they may be suspicious and snooping. You may want to consider the following: make all of your computers password protected and hide your password from your partner, DO NOT be linked with your co-cheater on Facebook or any other social media site, create a new email account, make sure you do not confuse your and your partner’s similar looking cell phones and be sure to keep your cell phone close by at all times. Basically, don’t leave any incriminating evidence anywhere.

Now prospective cheaters, if you only pay attention to one of these 8 tips, let it be the following:

Tip 8

Think about why you’re considering cheating. What is it that you are missing from your current relationship that is causing you to stray (or consider straying)? Then ask yourself whether the object of your desire is really going to fulfill it for you? Is there any way to satisfy your needs at home, perhaps you can rekindle your relationship with better communication and nurturing?

If after all of this, you are still thinking about cheating remember, what goes around will come back around and your karma will kick you in the ass. So, if you find yourself thinking about someone else, wanting to spend time with them, etc. give your partner the respect they deserve and leave them, no matter how much it will hurt both of you. You do not get to have your cake and eat it too…if you have a lustful affair you DO NOT get to go home to a normal life again.

UPDATE to 8 Tips to Becoming an Effective Cheater! Head over to Cheating Talk and Tales for details on our upcoming interactive podcast.

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Ladies, are you snooping?

I came across an article that got me thinking about relationship snooping. If you follow this link, scroll down to the article titled “How to Tell if Your Husband is Having an Emotional Affair Online” and check out the section titled “Identify the Problem of an Emotional Affair,” you’ll find talk of “key logging software.” Key logging software?!?! I actually said aloud, “I can’t believe they are actually recommending this as a way to identify an affair.” Apparently women need to know every key stroke he makes so they can decipher the one-sided riddle of his typed conversations. Oh, if only we were able to discover what he actually says while on Skype…that would be so much more helpful in this type of situation (yes, the last sentence is dripping with sarcasm.)

Really ladies, is this what you’ve been reduced to?

Sure, you’ve thought about it. Just a quick glance through his cell phone call log, or maybe you’ve peeked over his shoulder as he checks his email or worse yet, you know his email password and decided to log in and have a quick look for yourself. Were you prepared for what you found? Chances are you found some sort of incriminating evidence. Maybe a picture of a naked woman emailed to him by his buddy or talk about the occurrences of his last guys-night. There must have been some shred of evidence in there you could use against him to support your claims. But did you consider that everything you found is open to your biased interpretation?

Well, now with “key logging software,” you actually have a greater opportunity to pry into his conversations. This way you have stronger proof that you can use when you confront him with your suspicions…even though this too is littered with your bias and tainted interpretation, rendering it useless and labeling you an untrustworthy sneak.

But I’m Worried He’s Cheating On Me.

No matter what the “reasonable” curiosity or morbid concern is for your snooping, the fact is, it’s creepy and if you find yourself snooping you have a definite trust and/or self-esteem issue. Snooping is underhanded and rightfully gives men the ammo to say that (some) women are “crazy.” If you suspect your man of cheating, confront him. You know him well enough to know whether or not he’s lying.

If you feel that he’s more distant that normal, talk to him. Unlike women, most men are simple creatures. They say what they think and don’t read more into a situation than is necessary…women can definitely take a tip from men here.

Don’t let your imagination run away with you, don’t let your girlfriends tell you what they think is going on and, by no means, should you listen to gossip. You knew his reputation when you started dating him, you know how he is with you and you know when things are amiss.

If you’re worried he’s cheating on you – either physically or emotionally – be straight with him. Snooping is creepy, sneaky, in some cases considered theft…plus it’s very unbecoming. How would you feel if you caught him snooping through your purse, phone or email. You’d be pissed off.

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Break-ups 101: Cheating Women

In Cheater, Cheater we talked briefly about the “why’s” of cheating and how it impacts relationships. Since then I’ve discovered that, even though men are more likely to be the cheater than their female counterparts, there is a growing population of men seeking advice related to their cheating wives. So let’s take a look at cheating women, starting, once again, at the beginning.

First Things First

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, no partner, male or female, is immune to cheating – it doesn’t matter what your personal beliefs are on the subject. Being human means we have faults. Even science recognizes that injecting a human into a research project leads to “human error” and uncontrolled variables – the statistics will never be 100% accurate. Those errors and faults are not intentional, they are simply a fact of being human.

I’ve also mentioned before that humans are in a unique position among the animal kingdom, we have the capacity to make reasoned choices. Some people are better at this than others, but none-the-less we all have the ability to choose. We choose to be in relationships and we choose to cheat. But one thing humans cannot control in our choice-making ability is – male or female, we cannot deny the biological knockings we experience. This is not an excuse for a cheater, but it is something to add to your information arsenal when you’re trying to make an informed decision about your situation.

The Female Cheater

What does a woman look for in a man? Well, for starters, they want a handsome, smart, successful, motivated, strong, funny, athletic, sensitive, artistic man who will love her with immense passion, desire her always, give her a family, provide for the family and help take care of the family with her. Not too much to ask, right? Well, the truth is, all of the physical characteristics listed above, show the woman that the man is a strong genetic suitor. All of the love and family characteristics show that the man is willing to share his resources with her and her offspring, ensuring physical security and helps secure success for future generations.

So, if she has found a man whom she is attracted to with most of the attributes she was seeking, along with his willingness to help provide for and raise her children, why does she stray? Science explains this as a way for a woman to ensure economic well-being for herself and future offspring. Then, while ovulating, she seeks out physically (thus genetically) stronger men (those with the attributes her domestic mate is lacking) to father her children. The proverbial “having her cake and eating it too.” One man can provide the economic security and lifestyle while the other can provide strong genes that will carry on. It’s really not as complicated as it all seems.

The Male Emotion

Let’s weigh the following two scenarios –

1. Your wife/girlfriend is closely involved with another man, they enjoy each other’s company, laugh and you could see that they may be falling in love. BUT – you’re pretty certain that there is no chance they’ll have sex. Are you threatened?
2. Your wife/girlfriend goes on a girl’s weekend to Vegas. One night, she has a couple too many and ends up having a one-night stand with another man. There is no emotional attachment, no chance of her ever seeing him again, but the hard fact is that she had sex with him. Are you threatened?

The perception of cheating for men is just the opposite of that of a woman. For most men, the risks associated with their woman cheating on them is relegated to physical sex. For women it’s the threat of their mate’s emotional exchange with another (subject of another post altogether.) But this is where men find themselves in a unique position. Are you:

• Guy #1: who is jealous that your woman stepped out on you – meanwhile you’ve been stepping out on her?

Or are you:

• Guy #2: who has been a dutiful husband, loyal and without even the thought of cheating crossing your mind?

If you’re guy number one, you probably find the biological excuse of men “needing to spread their seed” a valid defense. Well, I’ve got news for you, what’s biologically good for the goose is biologically good for the gander. You don’t control her while you get to do whatever you “need” to do. There’s more going on in your relationship than infidelity. There’s lack of respect, which should make you rethink your relationship as a whole. There’s no sense in torturing one another – it’s destructive and a waste of time.

If you’re guy number two, you’re probably feeling as though you don’t measure up in her eyes and she had to go elsewhere to satisfy her needs. And now you’re faced with a decision.

What Do You Do When She Cheats

Biology and science are not excuses for either sex, they simply offer some perspective. The bottom line is you’re in a relationship with someone who cheated on you. What do you do now? The answer to that question is very personal and not something anyone can answer for you. But what I can do is offer you some questions to ponder as you’re making your decision:

• Do you want this relationship to go on? If so, ask yourself if you’re you going to be able to put this behind you or will you continually hold this against her in every disagreement, etc?
• Can you trust her again?
• What individual and relationship changes do you both need to make and are you both willing to make them?
• How do you think you both can be better as individuals and as a couple?

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(Science Source: “Sex at Dawn The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality” by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha)

Cheater, Cheater

Cheating. A death blow for most relationships. It can happen to any relationship and even the strongest relationships can crumble if caught in its grips. So how do you make sense of cheating when you’re caught up in so much emotion: love, anger, betrayal, disbelief? Let’s start at the beginning.

The Science of Cheating

If you’ve been reading my blogs, you’ve probably noticed that I like to address the science of relationships before I address the emotional side of relationships. So what about the science of cheating?

First, both men and women can fall victim to the allure of another. Yes, men have more of a reputation for cheating – they are not biologically programed to be monogamous. Their biological donation is cheap and plentiful, so their genes can be spread and create as many offspring to carry on their genetic code. Yes, I’m talking about sperm. Plus, the introduction of men as father figures and partners in a marriage is a relatively recent social aspect of relationships. As for women, well, they aren’t biologically monogamous either, although they are not programmed to be as rigorous in their attempts at mating as men – their gift is very precious and valuable and there is a lot of time that goes into their gift’s creation – eggs. So, from a biological perspective, cheating isn’t really wrong, just a way to carry on your genes – or pair your genes with a strong suitor.

Choices and Cheating

This is where I get into the mental side of cheating, and my points may seem a bit simplistic – but there’s no sense in complicating things any further. When you choose to be in an exclusive relationship with someone you come to many agreements, but the biggest agreement is that you will be true to one another for the time you are together. You have a responsibility to your partner, and to yourself, that your word has value.

When you make the choice to cheat you are not only betraying trust, you have proved that your word is worthless. It doesn’t matter what excuses you come up with – even if you site the biological reasons above. You made a choice, betrayed your partner’s faith in you and most likely destroyed your relationship. Perhaps, if you may be inclined to cheat you should more carefully consider your choice of being in an exclusive relationship.

Cheating – I Don’t Agree with it, but Sometimes I Understand

There are a few instances when I find myself understanding when someone strays. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s the right thing to do, but I get it. For example, if your partner withholds sex for months on end, I can understand why someone may wander. Or maybe you’re hen-pecked and beat down, then along comes someone who pays you attention, treats you like an individual and values your opinion – I get it. But in either situation I think you should have some self-respect and leave before you stray. At least you show that you have values and respect for your partner or, at the very least, respect for the sanctity of relationships.

Last but Not Least

The very thought of your partner cheating on you can make your heart hurt. For some people it’s simply thinking of your partner sharing a physical exchange with another. For others, it’s the thought that your partner has shared an emotion with someone else, similar to the emotions they share with you. Or maybe it’s a combination of both. How ever you perceive cheating, there is no good way cheating touches your life. If you’re with someone who cheats, be true to yourself, you have value, you have something to offer someone more deserving. If you are thinking of cheating, don’t lower yourself to that level. It probably won’t work out the way you’re thinking.

Whatever side of cheating you find yourself on, realize that your emotions are precious, be true to them and be willing to value your partner’s emotions as well. It may be time to let go.

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