Break-ups 101: Cheating Women

In Cheater, Cheater we talked briefly about the “why’s” of cheating and how it impacts relationships. Since then I’ve discovered that, even though men are more likely to be the cheater than their female counterparts, there is a growing population of men seeking advice related to their cheating wives. So let’s take a look at cheating women, starting, once again, at the beginning.

First Things First

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, no partner, male or female, is immune to cheating – it doesn’t matter what your personal beliefs are on the subject. Being human means we have faults. Even science recognizes that injecting a human into a research project leads to “human error” and uncontrolled variables – the statistics will never be 100% accurate. Those errors and faults are not intentional, they are simply a fact of being human.

I’ve also mentioned before that humans are in a unique position among the animal kingdom, we have the capacity to make reasoned choices. Some people are better at this than others, but none-the-less we all have the ability to choose. We choose to be in relationships and we choose to cheat. But one thing humans cannot control in our choice-making ability is – male or female, we cannot deny the biological knockings we experience. This is not an excuse for a cheater, but it is something to add to your information arsenal when you’re trying to make an informed decision about your situation.

The Female Cheater

What does a woman look for in a man? Well, for starters, they want a handsome, smart, successful, motivated, strong, funny, athletic, sensitive, artistic man who will love her with immense passion, desire her always, give her a family, provide for the family and help take care of the family with her. Not too much to ask, right? Well, the truth is, all of the physical characteristics listed above, show the woman that the man is a strong genetic suitor. All of the love and family characteristics show that the man is willing to share his resources with her and her offspring, ensuring physical security and helps secure success for future generations.

So, if she has found a man whom she is attracted to with most of the attributes she was seeking, along with his willingness to help provide for and raise her children, why does she stray? Science explains this as a way for a woman to ensure economic well-being for herself and future offspring. Then, while ovulating, she seeks out physically (thus genetically) stronger men (those with the attributes her domestic mate is lacking) to father her children. The proverbial “having her cake and eating it too.” One man can provide the economic security and lifestyle while the other can provide strong genes that will carry on. It’s really not as complicated as it all seems.

The Male Emotion

Let’s weigh the following two scenarios –

1. Your wife/girlfriend is closely involved with another man, they enjoy each other’s company, laugh and you could see that they may be falling in love. BUT – you’re pretty certain that there is no chance they’ll have sex. Are you threatened?
2. Your wife/girlfriend goes on a girl’s weekend to Vegas. One night, she has a couple too many and ends up having a one-night stand with another man. There is no emotional attachment, no chance of her ever seeing him again, but the hard fact is that she had sex with him. Are you threatened?

The perception of cheating for men is just the opposite of that of a woman. For most men, the risks associated with their woman cheating on them is relegated to physical sex. For women it’s the threat of their mate’s emotional exchange with another (subject of another post altogether.) But this is where men find themselves in a unique position. Are you:

• Guy #1: who is jealous that your woman stepped out on you – meanwhile you’ve been stepping out on her?

Or are you:

• Guy #2: who has been a dutiful husband, loyal and without even the thought of cheating crossing your mind?

If you’re guy number one, you probably find the biological excuse of men “needing to spread their seed” a valid defense. Well, I’ve got news for you, what’s biologically good for the goose is biologically good for the gander. You don’t control her while you get to do whatever you “need” to do. There’s more going on in your relationship than infidelity. There’s lack of respect, which should make you rethink your relationship as a whole. There’s no sense in torturing one another – it’s destructive and a waste of time.

If you’re guy number two, you’re probably feeling as though you don’t measure up in her eyes and she had to go elsewhere to satisfy her needs. And now you’re faced with a decision.

What Do You Do When She Cheats

Biology and science are not excuses for either sex, they simply offer some perspective. The bottom line is you’re in a relationship with someone who cheated on you. What do you do now? The answer to that question is very personal and not something anyone can answer for you. But what I can do is offer you some questions to ponder as you’re making your decision:

• Do you want this relationship to go on? If so, ask yourself if you’re you going to be able to put this behind you or will you continually hold this against her in every disagreement, etc?
• Can you trust her again?
• What individual and relationship changes do you both need to make and are you both willing to make them?
• How do you think you both can be better as individuals and as a couple?

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(Science Source: “Sex at Dawn The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality” by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha)